Dreams and Dilemma

When I was younger, even until now, I always want to be a “stay-at-home-mom/wife” so that I can focus all my time and energy in taking care of my family, doing my hobbies, and at the same time managing a small business. It is a dream especially the business part, because I need a huge amount in order to invest in a business, and even after working abroad, I don’t have that huge amount to begin with.

From the very beginning, I told H about this childhood dream. He didn’t say much about it that time, maybe because that time he was not yet the marrying type. But, after a while, he told me that he wants me to continue working even if we get married, it’s not because he can’t support me but because he wants me to have my “financial independence”, and an extra income is good. I didn’t understand it that time. I was okay with the idea then that I will manage and do the budgeting of the family income. I was comfortable with that idea. Until, I lost my job unexpectedly.

The company I was working with was/ is in financial crisis due to mismanagement, due to that, the company decided to cut my contract earlier. I was devastated because my timeline was distracted due to the sudden change.  Suddenly, unexpectedly, I’m a defendant, I don't have that much "financial freedom" anymore. My expenses are controlled, I need to be a wise spender. I’m H’s legal wife already, but until now, I’m still uncomfortable with the idea of me being his defendant. I miss shopping without the feeling of guilt, I miss buying good things for myself because I have my own hard-earned money to spend , I miss buying gifts for my families, for H and his family, I miss treating my family for dinner or lunch, but don't get me wrong, I'm not living beyond my means, I just simply can afford this things. Now, with the sudden change in my financial status, I need to tighten the belt, spend wisely, avoid impulse buying, and again, I’m back to drooling over the stuff that I want to buy but I can’t because I have to save the money for something better or more important, and I don’t feel comfortable spending the money given to me. As a matter of fact, most of the monetary gifts that I usually receive, I don’t spend them at all, unless I’m in dire need of money. So, the same feeling goes to the money that I receive from H, it’s a gift so I should not spend it!

Right now, I’m using whatever savings I have for my monthly expenses. I divided it already and I have a fixed monthly allowance that will last until my wedding day. It’s the same amount as the basic salary now. With this small amount, and without fixed income, I can’t afford to splurge or spend more than that.  I’m trying to look for a job, but I think I’m facing a problem that most ex-OFW faces. It’s hard to look for a job here but it’s harder I think for ex-OFW to look for a job here since first, the employers have doubts of ex-OFW staying longer, they have doubts that you are just looking for a job for the meantime while you don’t have yet contract abroad but eventually, you will leave the job as soon as you get an offer overseas. Second, maybe they find me over-qualified because of my accomplishments and achievements and yet, under-qualified for the higher or highest position. Third, salary is too high even if you tell them it’s negotiable. Fourth, maybe they think you will start influencing other employees to go abroad too. I’m also considering applying for call-centers but I really don’t like to work in graveyard shifts since I need the rest and time to prepare for the wedding also, thus I prefer a regular working hours.

I’m already preparing myself mentally for this kind of set-up; after all, it’s my childhood dream to be a “stay-at-home mom/wife”. I was just push into it unexpectedly. H is very supportive about it already. He is always telling me that I don’t have to worry since he can take care of me and our future family. Of course, I can’t expect the same lifestyle that I was used to when I still have a job but we will not be poor also. We will live comfortably and within our means. Now, I just have to set my mind and try not to worry too much. I’m just so thankful that H has more faith in God than I do.

Ephesians 5:22-33

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For
the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also
wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself
up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water
through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without
stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same
way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his
wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they
feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are
members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[b] 32 This is a
profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each
one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must
respect her husband.

Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.

1 Peter 3:7
-7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and
treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the
gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.