Random Thoughts in the Middle of the Night

I couldn't sleep, I don't know why. Maybe because there are lots of cobwebs in my mind again. I'm a worrier according to H, but I think I'm just a dreamer.

It's still more than a year before our wedding, I booked the church and the venue and the videographer already. I just have to worry the other big suppliers like the couturier, photographer and make-up artist. But, I feel stress because of the budget. We have to be practical and save as much because aside from the wedding expenses, we have other expenditures to think about like their accommodation, food and transportation.

Apart from this things, I'm just my usual self. I always ask questions, I questioned almost everything, and I want answers. As for H, he hates answering my questions, and if ever he answers my questions, it will just be a yes or no or I don't know. Most of the time, I'm not satisfied with his answers, and most of the time, his answers either annoys me or hurts me. He is not a romantic guy, he doesn't write loveletters, he buys me gifts but nothing surprising. He is not an ordinary guy and he isn't like the other guys, he is a man of his own. There are times that I wish there are some "sweetness" in his bones. There are times that he is sweet but it doesn't feel natural.

I don't know if every bribe-to-be feels this way along the way, but I can't help it and think "Am I doing the right thing, to marry this man? Give up whatever fun of being single has and stress myself in married life?" Am i marrying for the right reason? Is the right reason for me the real right reason of marrying? Yeah, I have lots of questions and most of them is because of his answers to my questions. Why can't he be specific? Why can't he come up with a romantic answer? Why can't he just give some time for me?

Why do you want to get married? just like that
Why do you want to marry me? because I love you - i know he loves me but I prefer a more romantic answer
Why do you love me? because you make me happy
How do i make you happy? by being a monkey.

He loves me because I make him happy, and yet I wasn't able to make him happy for the two days that he was inconsolable when he lost his mobile phone. I feel I was a failure that time, I can't understand why a person can push his loved ones away because he was so down over a lost of a material thing. The second day, I tried to console him but he ended up scolding me. I'm inconsiderate for not giving him time to grieved for his lost phone. I gave him space but two days is too long for a material thing. He asked me "what if you lost Derek (my dslr) are you not going to grieve?" and my answer was "I will cry like hell, because Derek is a childhood dream that I achieved only now. But I will not push you away, rather I want you to hug me tight and tell me that everything is going to be fine, we will just buy a new one." For me, it's a material thing and it's replaceable, but the time I spend sulking instead of spending the time with my loved ones is not replaceable.

We have lots of differences, most of the differences are the reason why I love him but there are differences that makes me wonder if this is worth it at all.