Wrong Impression

How on earth did I create a wrong impression about my family to H and his family? Is it because my answers were not clear or incomplete? Or, my answers are just simply answering their question assuming they are referring to the present time? Or, because H, like any other guys, have a selective memory, that even if I told him a 1 paragraph answer, he will just pick the key words and come out with his own understanding?

I’ve been browsing the net in search for a service apartment where H and his family can stay for next year’s event. I assumed that they prefer to cook their own food over eating at the restaurants or eating at our place since both future in-laws are quite picky with food. But then, computing the fee of the serviced apartment + market bill versus a budget hotel, the budget hotel is more affordable. So, we are opting to book them at the budget hotel, which means 95% probability of eating restaurant food.

So, yesterday, I asked H if aunt & uncle can live with restaurant food for at least 2 weeks since they will be staying in the hotel. And I was shocked with his answer, though I can’t remember the exact words; it’s more of like this “sure, we don’t have options since you guys don’t cook your food anyway”. I asked him, where did that answer come from? And both he and his cousin answered that it’s what I usually say whenever aunt asked me who cooks our food “no one, we don’t cook our food. We usually eat out”. Now, this question always comes out whenever I’m back from my manila vacation. And in all honesty, my answer to that question is based on actual time and present situation at home. How would I know they will presume that it’s like that all the time?

Background check: my mother and my youngest sister is living abroad, my 2nd sister is married and staying with her own family, my eldest sister is married also and lives with her family too, my father opted to stay in the province, I worked here in Bangladesh and my 4th sister lives in the apartment beside my grandparents house.

I go home for a vacation every 3 months for a week. Given that it’s a short period, it’s always book with lunch dates and dinner dates with friends and relatives. And for this reason, that’s why I don’t cook at home since no one is going to eat it anyway. I stay with my sister whenever I go home. And she also has work, unlike India and Bangladesh, tiffin box is not common to the work people, sometimes she comes home late and doesn’t like eating anymore or cooking at all, or sometimes she joins me with my dinner dates. Thus, another reason why we don’t cook. The only time we cook is for breakfast. And that’s usually my sister because she needs to go to the office early or my father if he is around. But it’s nothing special or laborious cooking; it’s just the regular breakfast fare – sinangag/fried rice or plain rice, vigan longganiza, sunny side up egg, hotdogs, oatmeal, cereals or leftover food from last night. But if my father is around, he cooks as he stays at home most of the time. So, whenever they asked me “who cooks?” my answer is “no one, my sister sometimes”. And that is the most appropriate answer to their question at that moment. So, H assuming that we don’t cook is just irritating and it just shows that he doesn’t listen to the whole story.

Now, if they will base it from my past stories, again there is another reason for that why we don’t regularly cook our food and just buy home- cooked foods. I grew up in a family of seven, where the sole breadwinner was my mother. It was not an easy childhood, there were good times and bad times, and most were bad times for my mother. My father had a bad vice of gambling and other things, whatever small amount we get from the business, it’s all for him. Sometimes, he gives us a small amount for allowances or even goes to the market to buy something to cook, and yes, my dad is a good cook. But money was always a problem then, until now, I can’t believe how my mother managed to send all 5 of us to school and universities and at the same time put food on the table. There are people who help my mom or sometimes, my mom always get a loan, a bad loan which is locally known as 5-6. As for me, my father’s brother, sponsored my university tuition fee.

WE grew up without house help, unlike here in Bangladesh where most people can afford at least one helper. My mother was a full time employee; my father was/is a househusband while all 5 of us were in school. So, no one really cooks for lunch. Sometimes, my dad cooks for lunch but not all the time. So we always end up buying home-cooked food for lunch so that we can go back to school on time. And for dinner, either my mother or my father cooks, with us helping them ala- sous chef- but I never really learn how to cook, it was my 4th sister who learned how to cook, so she was always the one in-charge in cooking while I do the dishes. There are times also, that there’s nothing to cook because we don’t have the means to buy ingredients. At least in the small eateries, we can ask them to just record the food bill and will pay them at payday. And how I love it whenever my father had some money and send us out to buy food from the restaurant instead of from the small eateries. This works with my family, it’s not all the time but most of the time. . But we were taught to give thanks and eat what’s served on the dining table and not to choose, if you don’t like the food, then don’t eat. This is my memory during my younger years in the province.

During my university years, I and my 2nd sister were staying with my grandparents. They have a cook so I just help sometimes. When my 2nd sister started working, we started to buy our own groceries and cook our own food. This was my grandmother’s part of training to us, so that we will learn how to budget the money and care for ourselves. They are our relatives, but living with other people has its own ups and downs. Based on this experience, why I never want to stay or live at somebody else’s house, relative or not. There will always be an extra effort of reaching out; it may rub the other person nicely or badly. During this time, when we started to buy and cook our own food, I’m always the one who goes to the market every Saturday morning and cooks food, this was my share - labor share – while my sister shares monetary share. This were I learn to budget the minimal money we had. And during this time, I learned to cook other food aside from the regular fare of fried tilapia, pinakbet and adobo. I learned to cook picadillo, ginisang kalabasa, tinolang manok, tagalog bistek, estofado. And thanks to the ready-mixes, I was able to cook chicken curry, kaldereta and afritada.

During my 3rd year in university, we rented our own apartment, and we started living on our own. And since then until 2007, my mother stayed with us while my father stayed in the province with my younger sisters. My mother does the cooking all the time, and sometimes I cook also but I prefer baking than cooking. And this time, we can already afford to buy ingredients, meats, fish and vegetables to cook regularly. But still, we don’t have the habit of cooking a new meal 3x a day or everyday. I adapted the cooking habit of my grandmother, and that is cooking 2- 3 foods, good for 2-3 days, so most of the time, we will just reheat the food and maybe cook one new dish as additional. Sometimes, I prepare food that I can keep in the fridge like spring rolls, meatloaf, and will just fry it when I want to eat it. And this method is very convenient for a family that doesn’t have house helpers or cooks.

Present time scenario: I live alone here, but I do cook my own food. I just don’t eat dinner most of the time because I don’t feel like eating alone. Sometimes, when I reach home, I cooked but not necessarily eat it at that moment also. I just keep it for tomorrow’s tiffin box. The same thing with my 4th sister, she cooks her breakfast, sometimes her dinner but if she’s tired after reaching home, she goes out to buy roast chicken. And most of the time, she doesn’t feel eating dinner also. That’s a normal scenario for someone living alone, and that is not LAZINESS!

So, for H to say that we don’t cook is appalling. It irritates me sometimes whenever they ask me if I know how to cook. How on earth did I survive my almost 5 years of existence here in Bangladesh if I don’t know how to cook? I can’t eat out all the time. That will be too expensive and unhealthy. I can’t ask my helper too to cook for me because I can’t take the spiciness of Bangladeshi cuisine and the way they cook is so oily, even a regular sunny side up egg will end up oily. So, I prefer to cook my own food. I’m not a master chef, most of the time I check my recipe books or try new recipes from the net, BUT I COOK and I KNOW HOWTO COOK. I even know how to clean a fish for goodness sake.

If you asked me why we are we going to eat in a restaurant and not invite them at our house for meals? 1) Our apartment is small; it will not accommodate us all. 2) I don’t want to hassle my 90 years old grandmother to cook even if she loves cooking. She’s a great cook by the way, but sad to say, she never shared her secrets in cooking. 3) H’s parents are picky eater, the only food that are delicious are the Bangladeshi foods and the ones that they cook. They don’t even want to try the dishes I cook, so why would I want to cook at their place just to show them that I can cook? I don’t want them to get disappointed with my family’s cooking and hear nasty things from them. So I rather treat them to a restaurant than hearing them say that the food we cook at home is not delicious. At least in a restaurant, there are lots of choices and if they are not happy with the food, let’s just blame it to the chef.